I haven't really written much about my brother the past few years, but it doesn't mean I haven't thought of him often. My family suffered another great loss this past year when my dear uncle passed away. Scott had loved Steve and it's hard having both of them gone. Scott was a great guy to be around. He loved his family and had a great sense of humor. On top of that, I had a hard time watching my Mother lose her brother because it's an anguish I know all too well.
It's also been painful hitting this ten year mark while still waiting for justice to be served. I always prayed we wouldn't be one of those families waiting 10+ years but here we are. It is what it is though. I try not to allow waiting for closure to consume my thoughts. The actions of two evil men have taken enough from me; I won't allow them to continue to take my joy now.
And then there are his nieces. I have three little girls who never got to meet their uncle, and a sweet little niece from Mike as well. I do talk about him to them though. Annie is full of questions about her family, and she knows that the piano keyboard she and her sister play on was his. She knows she has an Uncle Steve that's in Heaven, and she recognizes him in pictures. It breaks my heart when she asks about him and wants to know when she'll get to meet him. It's not often that it comes up with her, but it does happen and it's difficult to stay composed at times.
Grief changes over the years. You learn to function with it and not allow it to overtake you like it does in the early years. I don't miss him any less or hurt any less thinking about what happened, but I don't get paralyzed and overcome by grief and shock like I used to. Part of that is the joy and new purpose I get from the wonderful family God has given me. My husband and three daughters fill me with joy, as does my relationship with God. And I have comfort knowing I'll see Steve again one day when I too depart this world and enter God's presence. It's not that I'm OK with his death now, but more like I've accepted the reality of it and have aquired a new normal.
I guess what I'm left with is the occasional longing. A random thought or reminder will get me to thinking of what might have been. The family he always wanted but never got: I feel robbed of potential nieces and nephews who never got a chance to exist. Watching him get to know my husband and kids: Bruce and I started dating shortly after we lost Steve and I enjoyed watching him get closer to Mike and my parents. I wish I could see Steve involved in my family as well. Then there is that beautiful sibling bond I watch growing among my girls. It is heartwarming to see and reminds me of what Mike and I had with Steve. I'm not saying this consumes my being, but the thoughts creep in when I least expect them and the sting of grief surprises me. I expect it will always be this way. I lost a part of myself and carry the scar as a reminder.
Steve, myself, and Mike
And then there is Matt Butler. Matt was a friend of mine, and one of Steve's best friends. He's the other person we lost that day. It's always been hard to process losing both of them at the same time. They had a very entertaining and close friendship. Steve helped Matt with technical acumen at his recording studio, and Matt pushed Steve's social limits. Matt didn't have siblings, but he was close to his cousins, and considered Steve his "bro". I remember listening to a long conversation between the two of them defining the term " bro love" (as a platonic expression). There ended up being many people that grieved losing both of them, myself included.
Steve and Matt
Steve Swan: Son, brother, friend, confidant, and many other things to many other people. He was kind, intelligent, generous, humble, and always willing to help people. He made a greater imprint in this world than he was ever aware of. I remember so many candid moments with him sharing dreams, reservations, hopes, fears, jokes and general good times that I will never forget. A talented musician and singer, he left behind recordings that give insight into his thoughts, life, and sense of humor. They are a comfort to his family in his absence, vocal remnants of the young man we knew and loved.
I'll miss him until I see him again.
Revelation 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
1 Corinthians 2:9 - But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
