Today has been so busy I haven’t had time to stop and think, much less do any
journaling. But my dear brother has definitely been on my mind. I was thinking
about how I usually have recent pictures of my children, and I want some new
pictures of Steve. But there can’t be any new pictures because he isn’t around
to have them taken. Not that this is surprising, just one of those things that crosses
my mind.
My kids have kept me occupied this week. Two of them had lip and tongue tie
revisions yesterday and we’ve been busy with aftercare and pain killers. Then of
course the one who didn’t need it done is feeling left out and finding other ways to
demand attention. I’m expecting my fourth and last child this fall, and it’s yet another
girl. I have prayed for a son for the past 11 years, planning to name him Stephen
after my brother. Having God say no to this plea has been very very difficult to come
to grips with. I love every one of my girls and wouldn’t trade any of them for anything,
but it stings not to have the son I have prayed for. So we are naming her Stephanie.
I resisted the name for years because I was set on eventually having a son, but
now that that door has closed I have accepted it. Both names mean “crown” and
I am finally at peace that I can honor his memory with a name the only way I possibly
can. It may seem silly to others, but I know my brother wanted children of his own
very strongly. He was not only denied that opportunity, but I feel like he was cut off.
He didn’t get to pass his last name along and leavechildren to succeed him. There is
no way to remedy that, but I have always felt like he at least deserves a namesake in
some way. We will be calling her Stevie for short and now I’m in love!
Speaking of children, I’ve said this before but not a day goes by I don’t wish he could
meet my brood of sweet and active kids. I know he’d be a doting Uncle, and I wish he
could meet Mike’s two little ones as well. Last year Annie and Cassie decided we were
making a cake on his birthday and celebrating. I’m sure it will become a yearly tradition
now. The fact that he is in Heaven made no difference to them as to whether a cake,
singing, and celebration was in order!
Kid antics aside, although my family has grown over the years and things change,
the pain of losing Steve still feels fresh some days. My perspective changes a little,
and my situation changes a lot. Life is fluid and ever-changing, but when someone
dies it’s as if their life is now solid. It can’t change any more, and the memories of them
become a constant. My feelings and thoughts about the living can change as time goes
on and we have more interactions etc, but when I think of Steve it’s always a constant.
This is some comfort in a way because he was such a wonderful brother and we have
so many happy memories. But sad because there are no more happy memories to
be added.
I rejoice with the knowledge that I do not grieve as those who have no hope. Someday
we will be reunited, and what a joyous day that will be! He’s already been reunited over
the years with other friends and family who have left us before we were ready to lose
them. I know he is whole again, with no pain or heartache, and that although the
separation hurts it is only temporary.
Gotta love this goofy picture from our college days!
But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen
asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus
died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.
asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus
died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.
For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain
until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For
the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel,
and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are
alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord
in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another
with these words.
until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For
the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel,
and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are
alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord
in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another
with these words.
I Thess 4:13-18
