Just
over a week ago Bruce and I finally got to see our wedding pictures. They are
lovely! Neither of us has a single doubt that we hired the right photographer!
We sat down and looked at them all together, and it was like replaying our
wedding!
But something
was missing and it has been haunting me ever since. There are various
combinations of family members, so that everyone in our immediate families will
be able to pick a few to frame that contain the people they want in them. His
whole family, our whole family, his siblings and their families…. You know… the
usual combinations. My brother Mike got to be in quite a few as he was one of
our ushers as well. So I had him in a tux in the wedding party photos as well!
It was
the picture of Bruce and me with my immediate family that has made me cry or at
least tear up every day since I saw the pictures. There in the middle is the
happy couple, with my mother on the left next to me. On the other side next to
Bruce is my father, and next to him is Mike. But alas this family wedding
picture is sadly lopsided, for on the other side of my mother a sixth person should
be standing. The boy who was my best friend by default when I was born, grew up
next to me and encouraged me through hard times, as I did him. The person I
always confided in and went to for advice when I didn’t really feel like
getting advice, because he knew how to shake sense into me and was wise enough
to always have the right answer. The brother I searched for a rental house with
in December of 2007 because neither of us wanted to deal with room-mates, and
after his recent battle with cancer I couldn’t stand the thought of being away
from him.
Steve
had every right to be standing in that picture, as well as many other pictures
that day, before, and since. Four Thanksgivings and Christmases have passed
since the horrible day we lost him, and every time I look at a picture I sense
that something is missing. Concrete thoughts don’t come to mind all the time,
just the feeling that not everyone is there. My family is broken… not by our
own doing but by the actions of one who was outside of our control. An evil,
malicious person took the wonderful brother out of my wedding pictures and out
of every holiday photo he should have been in. This past Christmas when I
helped to set the table I actually opened my mouth to complain to my mother
that we needed another chair, until I remembered the horrible truth. We had
enough.
NO
woman should have to look at her wedding pictures and cry, except with joy. No
woman should cry on her way to work the day after seeing them because someone
so beloved was missing from them, and NO BRIDE should feel sorrow while getting
ready, because the photo of her and her brother pinned to her bouquet is the
only semblance of him that could stand next to her while she said her vows.
He
should have been there to see me get married and to celebrate with my new
husband and I as we set out to have our own family. When I give birth to my first
child, Uncle Steve will not be there to hold the little angel. I would like to
say that I will be so overcome with joy at the sight of my firstborn that the
thought won’t occur to me, but when someone so close has been taken the
memories don’t just fade. Sorrow at your loss invades your mind every time
something important happens, or every time something reminds you of them or
that they are gone. When I give birth to my first son, there is no doubt in my
mind that I will bestow the name of my beloved brother on him. It only seems
natural.
Someone
else should have been at that wedding too, because he promised me he would tell
my husband how he should treat me and take care of me and be the perfect
husband etc. Matt should have been there. Granted I had two brothers at the
time to take care of lecturing my future husband, but Matt had some sense of
brotherly affection that he wanted to be included as a protector as well. And
there is no reason he should have been denied that.
But
sadly, they are both missing from my pictures and my life. Two wonderful men
that I will be forever thankful to have had in my life are gone. And to murder!?!?!?!
I still can’t quite come to grips with it. It’s like a really bad nightmare
that comes back to mind every so often to haunt me. Like those dreadful dreams
of an alternate reality, and when you wake up from them and realize they were
just dreams… just a mental picture of something that didn’t really happen. But
for me, the nightmare is a reality. And it is every so often that good things
happen and I let my guard down just long enough not to remember that the
horrible dream is real. I wake up and realize it was not a bad dream, but
reality.
I have
every reason to be happy right now. I have a wonderful husband that I truly
think God hand-made just for me, and we are planning for a wonderful future
together. We want the same things and are willing to work together to achieve them.
Life is not peaches and cream, but we are doing what we have to in order to
build the life that we want for ourselves and our future family. We even like
our jobs! But the crime that was
committed very early in the morning on June 19th, 2008 has left my
life forever shattered, and all the wonderful gifts God has bestowed upon me
will not completely remove that pain until we all are reunited in heaven. For
that is the one hope that I hold on to. Someday I will be in heaven and in the
midst of God’s glory. Someday I will again be with Steve, he will get to meet
my husband. Several have gone ahead of me to see my brother, and I know he has
friends from this life in heaven even now. There is a little girl there, whose
mother was close to Steve. She left to be in God’s presence at the age of seven.
Our dear “Uncle Art” who was a close family friend is there as well, among
others. Steve has both mentors and youngsters he knew on earth to keep him
company, not to mention the fact that he is in the very presence of our Creator.
So why do I still mourn?
Because
I don’t have him. I am jealous of
those who get to be with him now. I was robbed of my time with him. I know I
will see him again but I was robbed years of life with my brother. I miss him
so much, and really I mourn for myself and others who are left without him. I
could go on and on with how much he still had to give and how much I miss him
but I will close with this:
When
that day of judgment has come and gone, and all those who are to be in the
presence of the Lord have been separated from those who made the choice to hold
on to their sin instead of allowing Christ to wash it away, I will be in the
presence of God and reunited with my brother. I hold on the promise Christ has
given me that he will intercede for my behalf because I have put my faith in
Him and asked His forgiveness for my sins. That is what keeps me going. I
believe in His promise and I believe in the cross. I will be forever with God and His children.
Where will you be?
