I don't even know where to begin this year. I still feel robbed. Over time, the ripples of grief grow larger. They may not be as steep and intense, but instead are more widespread, touching new areas of life or more people over time. Most people probably meet me and don't know, at least not for awhile, that I have survived the trauma of losing a loved one to murder. Eventually they may find out, or maybe not. But that doesn't mean I don't think about him often.
I've always been sad he couldn't meet my children, but in their own innocent way I think my kids are starting to feel like they missed out on getting to know him as well. I've been stressed out this week, and trying to follow up on where the appeals process is for one of the killers on top of the general blues I feel this time of year. So I explained to my two older children this morning that Mommy is very sad today because she misses her brother, and that it's the 12 year anniversary of his death. Annie gave me a big hug and didn't say anything. Cassie got serious and said "I miss him too." Cassie is my emotionally in-touch child. She seems to sense sadness or stress in others and her responses always blow me away! We went to a splash pad today to have some outdoor fun, and on the way Annie (my analytical child) said "Mommy when you die it will be sad for me but happy for you because you'll get to see your brother again." We then had a good conversation about Heaven, and how for someone who put their faith in Jesus Christ, death is bittersweet because they get to see JESUS face to face. And yes, they are united with other loved ones who are in heaven, but that it's painful for those still alive because we feel the sting of separation. Annie and Cassie are old enough to understand death, and to need to have these conversations, but it's still hard. A close friend of theirs lost his Daddy last year and we had many conversations on the topic back then as well.
I wish they could be shielded a little longer from beginning to processing it all, but such is the human condition. Death doesn't make allowances for age in whom it affects. Once sin entered Adam's heart, it began to infect every aspect of human life, and all it's terrible consequences were poured out on his descendants. This is evidenced very much right now in the breakdown that is happening in our culture. 2020 has brought one catastrophe after another. Disease, death, unrest, more death, and people hating and blaming each other for everything. Violence is just begetting more violence, and the USA is no longer united. We are hurting. This is all the result of sin, and another step closer to the final battle.
Steve was an accomplished singer, songwriter, and musician. He wrote a song called God Forgive Us All, that has come to mind frequently in recent months, It's a modern application of Abraham's plea to God in Genesis 18, when He was about to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham's nephew Lot lived in Sodom, and Abraham wanted to know how many righteous men God would spare the city for. Steve's song is a prayer for God to return His blessings to our land for the sake of the righteous who remain. He recorded it back in 2007, but I feel it becomes more relevant as time passes. Here is a link to a video my mom put together with two of his songs. The first song is one of my favorites, but God Forgive Us All begins around 2 minutes in.
At this point I am tired and frustrated, and ready for the legal proceedings to end. I'm grateful for how thorough the courts can be in making sure everything is done properly and aboveboard, but it's tiring how long it drags on when we just crave closure.
Above all I still just miss my brother and the good times we had, as well as the close sibling bond. Having that earthly relationship severed through death hurt so badly I felt it before I was informed of what happened. My soul knew and perceived it before my brain did. I still remember clearly the moment I felt him pass, and the moment a few hours later when the police showed up at my door and I made sense of what I felt.
That strong, intelligent young man overcame too much in his short life. I thank God he doesn't know pain anymore, but I still grieve the separation until we meet again.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4
I love you bro.
